Maine, The Way Life Should Be
By Katie Graycar
My best friend Ryan, or Kapitz as he is more affectionately known, has been putting off coming to visit me in my summer house in Maine for over 7 years now. Kapitz is always up for an adventure which is why I can't understand his hesitance. But every time I ask him his response is "The last time I went to Maine I hooked up with a fat chick and fell out of a tree." No further detail. I don't push the story but I do continue to insist that he come!
Finally Kapitz caves and agrees to come for the weekend. I am ecstatic and promise him nothing but a good time! Knowing that he is happy with a cheeseburger and a beer, this shouldn't be a hard promise to keep!
Kapitz finally arrives to the island and before he can even put his backpack in his room, he is off to go cliff jumping with my brother. I have no worries about Kapitz's ability to jump off a 30 foot cliff, but he does have a tendency to be accident prone, so I try not to worry. About an hour later I realize my assumption was right, jumping off was no problem, it was the getting back up the cliff. Coming down the sidewalk are two hobbling bodies leaving a trail of blood. "That freaking cliff ripped off my toe as I was climbing back up!" Kapitz yelled. I knew this was a start to a great weekend...
A few hours later even though Kapitz was down to 9 toes, he agreed to come kayak around the island with us. It's a rough but gorgeous ride and I figured we would have life vests so it would be safe. As we rounded the bend of the island where the cliffs were Kapitz put down his oar to shake an angry fist at the cliff that took his toe and managed to hit the only buoy in sight, knocking him off his kayak and into open ocean. The sounds of swearing and shouting were muffled by the water as Kapitz desperately tried to climb back into the kayak. As it began to fill with water it became obviously that his only option was to swim along side it and pull the kayak back the mile and a half back to shore. When we finally got to the beach Kapitz was breathless. I tried not to laugh but he looked as though he has been attacked by a wild animal, his entire torso was covered in scrapes and bruises and all he can say between breaths is "I.... Hate.... Maine...."
We helped Kapitz back to the house and I am dying to tell the story to someone. I run into the kitchen dragging Kapitz behind me to tell my father what happened and show him Kapitz's wounds. Just as I began my tale, my Grandmother comes in from the porch letting in a stray bee. A bee that flew into the kitchen. Found Ryan Kapitz. And stung him. In the jugular. "Son of a bitch!" Yelled Kapitz as he cupped his throat. The timing of that insect was so precise it was as if God himself sent that bee to punish Kapitz for some unknown sin.
Before I could get the first aid kit Kapitz was upstairs packing his things and heading for the next boat to the harbor. "F' you and this crazy state!" I begged him to stay. I pleaded, offering copious amounts of free beer and women but his mind was made up.
Later that night I received a picture text message from Kapitz that read "Apparently I'm allergic to Bees" And there in the picture was Kapitz holding up his middle finger, which was the only thing on his body not bright red and swollen. He was pointing it at the Maine state Sign that reads "Maine, The Way Life Should Be"