Ode to Ryan WINN Kapitz

Tomorrow evening one of my dearest friends will be tying the knot. To anyone that has had the pleasure of meeting Ryan Winn ("as in my parents knew I would be a winner but just left off the "er") Kapitz, this may come to you as a shock. A few years back he met a great girl who totally "got" him, Don't know if she's Czech though... They fell in love, bought a condo in an old folks home and adopted a furry rat named Iggy. Life is good. Kapitz and I met freshman year in college and bonded immediately over our love for Bob Saget (please see above picture) and due to our heritage. However that part came crashing down when my father told him that the Czechs were the rich businessmen (Kapitz) and the Slovaks were the poor farmers (Graycar). This lead to years of dry humping and demands for various pies baked at three in the morning. Alas, we were two Muppet loving peas in a Czechoslovakian pod. After two years of being joined at the hip our parents allowed us to move in together off campus. Probably because his parents knew I would keep him on top of his laundry and well, my dad thought Kapitz was sent from heaven. So Kapitz and I lived together our junior year in college in "The Barn." We shared our living space with our friend Will, He Who Shall Not Be Named, and a stray cat that we named Bonzo Lionel Apple Laptop Or BLAH. I dare you to say "Apple laptop" three times fast and NOT have a better day because of it. Though we had ZERO heat and something died in the basement that released enough flies to think it was a sign of the Apocalypse, we made it work. Cheeseburgers for breakfast, mountain dew for lunch and whatever we could rummage at the Beaver Market with the money Will gave us for dinner and post racing game snacks. Life was simple and we were happy. Even when Kapitz got bit by that dog on the way home and had to go to the hospital, we were smiles. Even when Kapitz got so drunk that the next door neighbors thought he was my mentally retarded brother, there was joy. Kapitz and I spent the next few years being Non-Romantic Life partners. We were each others dates at endless weddings and family events. We spent all of our vacations together, and most weekends taking random road trips. Like that time we ended up in Manchester for no reason, or when we went to the Castle In the Clouds to celebrate your half birthday. Ill never forget out 4 state road trip with Rita to go Visit our friend Josh in NY. We started the night drinking in Westy B, made our way up to Keene for a night of complete debauchery, stopped in CT to say hi to BoobNuts and finally made it to Long Island to have one of the craziest nights on record. How many Polish kids can you shove in the back of a mini van? Why were Rita and I the only girls? Why did that guy flip backwards on the beer pong table for NO REASON? Why did Rita have to give us a $20 to get back to Boston? Why were people always giving us money? These questions may never be answered. But Kapitz and I were adventure bound and couldn't be stopped. We lived together after college as well. Once we bled our parents dry we settled into a tiny apartment with my cat Motoko on Comm Ave. In Allston. Most of that is a blur so this paragraph will be short. The point is, life would not have been the same without Kapitz. The good times would not have been as good and the hard times would have been downright impossible with him. When my father started seriously dating for the first time since my mother passed away, he brought a new girlfriend (now my step mother) up to Keene to meet me. I was a wreck and nervous and not sure how to feel. But when my Dad introduced Bernadette to Kapitz he looked her up and down and said "Daaaaaaamn. Good Job Papa G!" Couldn't have done it without him. I could go on for hours about all of our jokes, antics, adventures and stories but eventually I will have to leave for the wedding, where I'm sure we will all be reliving them throughout the night. I will leave you with this... A few years back I made myself take a writing course in Cambridge. The assignment was a comical piece that told the story of a real character. I could not and still to this day cannot think of a better character that Ryan Winn Kapitz. My story was voted #1 in class and I think every person left that room a little better knowing someone like Kapitz was in the world. Now some of it was fudged for creative/writing purposes, but ironically not any of the parts you may assume. Those are real. It's always been real and I can't thank you enough for all the laughter you have brought into my life. I love you Kapass and I am SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY for both of you! Czech Bump!

Maine, The Way Life Should Be

By Katie Graycar

My best friend Ryan, or Kapitz as he is more affectionately known, has been putting off coming to visit me in my summer house in Maine for over 7 years now. Kapitz is always up for an adventure which is why I can't understand his hesitance. But every time I ask him his response is "The last time I went to Maine I hooked up with a fat chick and fell out of a tree." No further detail. I don't push the story but I do continue to insist that he come!

Finally Kapitz caves and agrees to come for the weekend. I am ecstatic and promise him nothing but a good time! Knowing that he is happy with a cheeseburger and a beer, this shouldn't be a hard promise to keep!

Kapitz finally arrives to the island and before he can even put his backpack in his room, he is off to go cliff jumping with my brother. I have no worries about Kapitz's ability to jump off a 30 foot cliff, but he does have a tendency to be accident prone, so I try not to worry. About an hour later I realize my assumption was right, jumping off was no problem, it was the getting back up the cliff. Coming down the sidewalk are two hobbling bodies leaving a trail of blood. "That freaking cliff ripped off my toe as I was climbing back up!" Kapitz yelled. I knew this was a start to a great weekend...

A few hours later even though Kapitz was down to 9 toes, he agreed to come kayak around the island with us. It's a rough but gorgeous ride and I figured we would have life vests so it would be safe. As we rounded the bend of the island where the cliffs were Kapitz put down his oar to shake an angry fist at the cliff that took his toe and managed to hit the only buoy in sight, knocking him off his kayak and into open ocean. The sounds of swearing and shouting were muffled by the water as Kapitz desperately tried to climb back into the kayak. As it began to fill with water it became obviously that his only option was to swim along side it and pull the kayak back the mile and a half back to shore. When we finally got to the beach Kapitz was breathless. I tried not to laugh but he looked as though he has been attacked by a wild animal, his entire torso was covered in scrapes and bruises and all he can say between breaths is "I.... Hate.... Maine...."

We helped Kapitz back to the house and I am dying to tell the story to someone. I run into the kitchen dragging Kapitz behind me to tell my father what happened and show him Kapitz's wounds. Just as I began my tale, my Grandmother comes in from the porch letting in a stray bee. A bee that flew into the kitchen. Found Ryan Kapitz. And stung him. In the jugular. "Son of a bitch!" Yelled Kapitz as he cupped his throat. The timing of that insect was so precise it was as if God himself sent that bee to punish Kapitz for some unknown sin.

Before I could get the first aid kit Kapitz was upstairs packing his things and heading for the next boat to the harbor. "F' you and this crazy state!" I begged him to stay. I pleaded, offering copious amounts of free beer and women but his mind was made up.

Later that night I received a picture text message from Kapitz that read "Apparently I'm allergic to Bees" And there in the picture was Kapitz holding up his middle finger, which was the only thing on his body not bright red and swollen. He was pointing it at the Maine state Sign that reads "Maine, The Way Life Should Be"