Twice Upon My Feelings Would Best Be Expressed...

See you can't just add "Twice Upon" to continue something. But if Kathy Ireland can do it, so can I. Now where were we? Ah yes. Made for TV Cheese. As much as I love that ones that are so awful they are fabulous, I really love the ones that actually get me to cry. That's what they are all going for and every once in a while they actually succeed in telling an honest genuine story of love or hope. In The Christmas Hope Patricia and Mark Addison are struggling in their marriage after the loss of their teenage son to a car accident. Patricia is a social worker and day in and day out has to place children in foster and state homes. One night right before Christmas a little girl named Emily finds out her mother is not coming home because she was hit by a car. It's so close to the holidays that they can't find her a foster home and her dead beat uncle just wants an insurance check, so Patricia takes her into her home until she can find a place for Emily. Meanwhile Ian Ziering (Yup) is a Doctor and he and his prego wife are going through old junk and finds a small wrapped gift that he thought he had lost. A few years ago a teenage boy came into his OR and dropped it as he was being rushed to surgery. It was the first patient he ever lost and he vowed to give that gift to the boys parents. Seeing a connection?? Anyway I can't give it away because I really do recommend this one. The acting is honest (Even Ian) The sentiment is real and it definitely brought some tears. But most of all it does what these cheesy specials are supposed to; make you feel the spirit of Christmas and reflect on how grateful you are for friends and family. Oh the mother's special gift will kill you!

Nobody Puts Baby In Corner!! But you CAN give her a nose job and put her in a Christmas Lifetime movie with an ending like NO OTHER made for TV movie out there I can assure you! The Road To Christmas stars Jennifer Grey and that cute guy from the TV show with Elaine from Sienfeld! Its the story of Claire who is a fashion photographer about to get married to a billionaire Italian guy that EVERYONE warns her about. There are some fun little parts like the models and the nail lady all telling stories of how Italian men have scorned them. It really sets you up for what you KNOW is going to happen. A snow storm hits and Claire can't get to Colorado. She is desperate and takes planes trains and trucks filled with immegrents in an attempt to get there. Finally she ends up hitching a ride with Tom and his daughter Hilly, who Obvisously lost the woman in their life. OBVISOULSY. So they have a wacky road trip filled with fights and car problems and craziness and somewhere between here and there a little sumthin sumthin starts to spark between Claire and Tom. Eventually Tom gets Claire to her fiance in time for the wedding and WHAM! A christmas movie first.... You'll have to watch it to find out the dirt! Jennifer Grey does a great job, I mean she had 20 years to prepare for it so Im not surprised.

My Feelings Would Best Be Expressed...

In This Monologue From The Made For TV Movie... Fill in the blank...starring...fill in the blank. Oh made for TV movies, what would I do without you? Christmas is the best because it's the one time of year Pete let's me watch them. Turn on Hallmark, ABC Family or Lifetime pretty much anytime during December and you will see some of THE BEST examples of fine American writing and acting. Now I'm not talking about the true lifetime movies, the ones based on real events, those are actually good. I'm talking about the type of poof that took a whole hour to write! The scenario that is tweaked merely by whether or not the mother is dead or dying. Whether its a lawyer or an out of work lawyer. These movies prove that really all you have to do is throw the word Santa or Christmas into any movie scenario and there you have it! Or you could just smoke a bunch of salvia sit in front of the ol' cpu and see what comes out. Either way, it's a guilty pleasure I'm not all that ashamed of. However they are really affecting my goal at watching "Christmas Movies" every night, because these made for TVers are like crack. They come on one after the other and Its really hard to stop. Really hard. So far we have been blessed with Once Upon A Christmas starring none other than Kathy Ireland. Anyone lucky enough to have seen Alien From L.A. knows just how special a performance she can deliver. And wow does She deliver, a head ache. God made you pretty Kathy, why push it? Just keep your mouth shut and look pretty. Whoever told you you had talent beyond standing in a bathing suit was either high or trying to sleep with you. Or Both. In Once Upon a Christmas Santa has decided that the world is too naughty and no longer deserve presents. But his youngest daughter Kristen (Oscar nominated Kathy Ireland) begs him to change his mind. She heads down to earth to help a family that's on the naughty list. Don't really know what kind of fucked up sense of humor Santa has but this family is a widower and two children that lost their mother. And yeah they are a little spoiled but the Dad doesn't know what else to do, he tries to give them anything they want because he knows they lost everything. And that apparently makes them naughty. Anyway Kristen gets all up in their business with her whiny little voice and confusion about where to put her hands when talking. However Kristen's older, evil sister Rudolpha is lurking around using magic to make her fail, she thinks Christmas is a joke. For some reason they all go for a drive in the middle of nowhere and Rudolpha sends a deer into the road to make them crash and they end yup having to spend the night in a cabin that sets on fire. The Dad almost dies and Kristen gives her immortality to save him but now she can't remember who she is. So she moves in with the family and eventually the dad purposes but shes all "no I have to find out who I am" Then the kids see an add to buy a piece of The North Pole on TV. Rudolpha has been selling The North pole piece by piece so she can put up a hotel/casino. Once the piece of the North Pole arrives, Kristen sees it and starts to have flash backs... Of the FIRST MOVIE! My God, I thought this was the longest movie on earth, oh no, it was two movies. Right after the fire Once upon A Christmas ends and Twice Upon a Christmas starts. So basically they have to play them back to back because Once has no ending and Twice has no beginning but they are both equally awful. Long story short the family goes back to the North Pole, saves Christmas and Kathy Ireland becomes one of the Craigslist Killer Victims. Don't I get a Christmas Wish? Cut. It. Out. No really, cut it out. Who told Dave Coulier he was allowed to come out of hiding after Full House? He stars in The Family Holiday as Doc Holiday, a sleazy con man. doc finds out that his only family, a rich uncle, has passed away and left his entire estate to Doc. Of course there are conditions. He has to prove to the wills executor that he has abandoned his nasty ways and that he is a family man. While he is searching for a real job and place to live he bumps into some run away kids who's parents were just killed in a car accident. The state wants to split them up so they decide to pretend to be Doc's kids in order to stay together. They all eat allot of pizza and attempt to con an out of work teacher into being their nanny and eventual fake mother. The executor comes to visit a few times and things get wacky. Doc starts to fall for his fake wife and eventually through the spirit of Christmas and the hope of millions of dollars they become a real fake family. The Family Holiday teaches us all the importance of fraud and stealing kids. It also makes you feel better about having pizza for dinner multiple nights in a row. One of our favorite sitcom moms, Patricia Heaton stars in A Town Without Christmas, not to be confused with The Town Christmas Forgot. Very Different stories. Here Mama Heaton plays a M.J. a single reporter with an eye and ear for a good story. But since she is single, pathetic and without family, her boss sends her to Washington over Christmas to cover a story that people with real lives won't. Brace yourself... A suicide note to Santa. Yup. Nothing says Christmas like Child Suicide. Young Chris has a hard life and his parents are getting a divorce and have no money so he asks Santa to take him from this world so he won't be a bother. Chris's note has rocked the nation and reporters from far and wide come to this sleepy town to find the boy before he can hurt himself. M.J. finds herself running around with David, a writer who came back to his hometown to search for some inspiration. Together they try to uncover the story of Chris and in the process uncover a relationship. Oh wait, it's not that simple. I don;t want to give it away because if you can follow it all, it's actually a good story. But this town also doesn't have enough money to put on a Christmas pageant (I don't get how much money one can cost, aren't they meant to make money?) and people are losing jobs left and right. Our writer friend was sent an anonymous collection of paintings that somehow are telling the future and leading him to the truth. Oh and best of all, Peter Falk keeps popping up in random places as random people. I love those crazy eyes and scratchy voice! It's entertaining and also a bit discombobulated. But Patricia Heaton is at her best when yelling at said husband on said prime time network. Sorry M.J.